Once lost but now am found

I took a long break from the questions that haunt my mind. Drugs seem to be a great escape. And for a while I embraced everything existential. I loved living and letting live. Being completely nonjudgemental and "chill" for lack of a better term. However this chillness bred complacency, and before when illogicality and immorality destroyed me, now I swallowed it whole without flinching.

Recently I realized that I do not want to be complacent. The recent meeting with the modernist woke my brain up. Altogether it was on the verge of waking. Perhaps he was just the catalyst. The king of Salem if you will. The original points of views that I had, the original dreams, that I chose to disregard for a life of work (or lack there of) and consumerism, are now back in full effect.

the realization, that I cannot sit here and idly watch the destruction of the United States of America in a drug induced stupor, returned swiftly and punctually. I saw this moment from afar but I was afraid of everything that I would be forced to give up. Because regardless of how unsatisfied I am with the current state of humanity, I did truly love myself. And to truly love yourself, you must love your surroundings. And I do. Thus the imminent loss of everything I have come accustomed to loving is somewhat frightening. However as I recently have become aware, I understand that change and pain from the suffering of loss, is just and beautiful as being where I am now.